it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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