I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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