The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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