the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
