Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i think i just naturally attract stoners
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
