just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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