Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
