omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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