omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You made out with two different species that night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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