dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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