I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
