i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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