If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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