Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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