Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
