There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
