did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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