Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
