I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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