I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
