I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
