Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just want nice things and good sex
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
