***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
