I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
