I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
