Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
