There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The struggles of a small town man whore
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
