Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
