Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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