I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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