Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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