The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
