dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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