I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
