You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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