new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
