Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
