Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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