i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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