i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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