you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
