I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
