It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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