Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize