my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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