I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
