I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
