there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
