my sisters under your porch take her home
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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