He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
