he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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