Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
