I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
