Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
