I'm gonna have a badass scar
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
In other news, I just burned my penis
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
