Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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