What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
