Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
