Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
