He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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