I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
