6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
