I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
